Wizard Beach: You Shall Not Pass

Failure is part of the travel experience. It’s not all rainbows and amazing photos; you get sick, injured, take the wrong bus, have your stuff stolen, or try to hike to a beach, almost twist your ankle, get covered in mud – and still never make it there.

After a day in Bocas Town on Isla Colon, I wanted to stay on one of the smaller islands. I tacked on a few days at Bubba’s House on Bastimentos. It’s a small island with a permanent population of about 2,000 people, which is actually a lot considering the size. Bastimentos is home to the best beaches in Bocas, including Red Frog Beach and Wizard Beach.

I was a little jaded by the rainy weather, and the high price of tours, so when a group of three Portuguese girls from my hostel suggested an easy hike up to a coffee and chocolate farm for a nice treat, I thought, Why not? The first red flag came quickly – the route up to the shop at the top of the hill was cartoonishly muddy. Every step resulted in a classic squishing mud sound, and the stepping stones might as well have not been there.

We finally arrived and it was wonderful. Our table was home to a gorgeous dragonfly who seemed to be posing just for me, the coffee was delicious and it was a great way to unwind. Until one of the girls spotted a sign that said, “Wizard Beach 25 Minutes.” 25 minutes? That’s not too bad, and what else are we going to for the rest of the day?

As soon as we mentioned our plan to the lady who ran the cafe, she kind of gave us a look. It was 4:30pm, we would have to be back before dark, because hiking back in the jungle at night isn’t a great idea. Three days of rain meant the entire path was super muddy, like really muddy, and she gave us all big walking sticks to help leverage ourselves. Most people would consider this a second red flag.

I was a little bit unsure but the girls I was with wanted to forge ahead and I decided to push myself a bit out of my comfort zone. So we started out and after about 10 minutes of slipping and sliding on steep mud covered slopes – we hit a dead end. There was no obvious way to continue. So we backtracked almost all the way to the beginning when we saw the sign to Wizard Beach pointing to a completely different path that we had somehow managed to miss. Third red flag.

So we were now easily 15 to 20 minute behind schedule and racing against sunset to make it to the beach and back. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t kind of amazingly fun. It was super muddy, all of us completely bailed ass first onto the ground at some point. My pants were caked in mud, my shoes were filled with muddy water. At one point, I sank in ankle deep into a mud slick and completely lost my shoe. I lifted my foot and my shoe was still firmly suctioned into the sludge. One of the girls was able to save it for me. It’s that great moment, where you hit a point of being so uncomfortable and dirty – that it’s suddenly hilarious and amazing.

We were watching the clock and had a lot invested in thinking that “25 minutes” sign was completely accurate. We all agreed, Okay, let’s walk for 10 more minutes and if we aren’t at the beach we turn around. I believe this is the bargaining stage of grief – which we are all feeling at the thought of hiking this hard and not even getting to Wizard Beach.

We got a bit of relief when we could start to hear waves, but then a stranger crossed our path coming from the other direction. How far away is it? I asked, and he replied Oh another half an hour probably. Our hopes were firmly dashed. When he continued to describe that he essentially had to cross a swamp and was in mud up to his knees, we abandoned all hope. In total our hike was well over an hour, extremely challenging, almost led to rolled ankles and full faceplants – and led to absolutely nowhere. But it was such a funny experience and in retrospect my favourite time on Bocas. Sure, my hiking shoes had to be completely submerged in water, and never quite dried, and as a result smell awful – but that’s the joy of travel! There’s a reason travel photos don’t come with smell-o-vision.

So I never saw Wizard Beach, and I guess I just wasn’t meant to. Damn you Gandalf!